kill.thatdamnpatient.com

Posted: 19 Dec 2009 10:10 AM PST

Couldn’t find the 2009 one …… apologies …..

No one can deny it, we all did it at some point, we all wanted to go visit aliens some where, or see what the moon was like or walk on saturns rings (which I later found out were actually just tiny meteorites circling the planet ….. not all that solid.

But what is space travel really like? How long does it take? and what does it entail? Well, it takes us about 8 hours to get to the moon, which is not too bad I suppose …… however it takes about 2 years to get to Saturn …… which sucks balls given the fact that Ipod touches only last about 4 hours these days …….and lets not forget all those people who spend their time on the Space Stations, sometimes spending months at a time there …….

Furthermore, like most form of travel it does take it’s toll on a person, most those smiling, bright, and healthy people you see in those pictures will suffer from depression, motion sickness, radiation exposure and depressed immunity, many will also loose alot of their muscle mass and bone mass as well, making their bones as floppy as a toddlers (try and squeeze a babies head …… feels like a bouncy ball !)

The low gravity environment also makes it very hard to keep anything down, many astronauts tend to get very nauseous, head ache prone and dizzy while in space.

So how do space cadets fight off the blues, upchucking and muscle loss? The answer is quite simple …….. drugs …….

Most NASA space travelers take uppers (smart pills that get you high and keep you awake for days at a time, the most used of which is provigil), they also take a combination of a drug called scopolamine and another dexedrine which when combined will turn you into a zombie which can think for it self (the best way to think about it is that they take the scopolamine to subdue their emotions and bowel so that they don’t get nausea or cabin fever and combine it with dexedrine which will boost their productivity and keep them on course (pun intended)).

It’s interesting that Scoplamine was first used in mind control experiments by the CIA in the 1950’s, then by the colombian cartel to turn human trafficking victims into zombies and subsequently by NASA to make ships fly straight and stop pilots from killing each other …………

NASA is also training their latest crop of Buzz Lightyears to restrain and subdue each other then induce comas on each other just in case one of the crew becomes unruly.

They’re also trying to use stem cells to keep peoples bodies growing while in space.

So if you want to become an astronaut you need to:

a) develop a drug habit

b) turn yourself into a zombie for weeks on end

c) Be able to with stand a 6 month flight to mars and back.

d) Have the heart to tie down and drug up other crew members.

e) Live with no TV or good music for a while

f) be content with not having the same mobility you had prior to flight and end up being hobbled the minute you step back on earth.

Fuck it …….. the cool space suite ain’t worth it ……. I’m sticking to weekends in Bahrain …….